The Undesirable Versions/Aspects of Oneself

K N F
3 min readNov 25, 2019

Last night I had a dream that I killed two or three people. The context was such that it was like a duel. Except, the winner was not to be considered innocent, for whatever reason. The point was merely to see who could overcome. Win. Survive. By whatever means necessary.

All three persons were women much like myself. About the same age and race.

The first killing was brutal. We had at our disposal many killing devices. The device I used to kill her was a machete. We both had machetes. I remember clearly how she swung mercilessly at me with her machete and I, in a very untrained way, blocked her swings with my weapon. During what felt like a long and frightening moment, it suddenly occurred to me that, much like playing tennis wherein I had to keep my eyes on the ball, I had to keep my eyes on her machete coming at me. That’s what I did. i kept my eyes on her weapon. That is how I managed to overcome her. I remember her trying to escape in a crowd of people, but I chased her and severed her head. It took me about three tries before her head was completely removed from her body. And I did it in front of people. These people appeared to be in a higher social standing. Picture a gladiator scene. It was very much like that. As I write, I also remember taking up the head by its hair, which were in plaits, and in some sort of display of dominance, I carried the severed head and placed it on a stump so others could see.

That was when I was challenged by the second person. She was harder to kill.

Her first choice of weapon was a chain saw. I was scared but I remember also thinking strategy. How could I prevent this woman from hurting me with that chainsaw? It occurred to me that I could disarm her by removing her arms from her body. And that’s what I did. It was not easy. She swung a few times at me with the chainsaw and luckily, I was able to respond swiftly. The moment I had the opportunity to implement my strategy I did. The chain on the saw had come undone and that was my cue to strike. With the aim of a person with tunnel vision I took two swings at her wrists. One to her left and one to the right. She exclaimed in disbelief. And that feeling I usually feel when I have done something to hurt someone in the process of protecting myself — that feeling of guilt, was absent. I left her to die.

There was a third woman.

She tried to kill me with a gun. Unfortunately for her, she had to load the gun before attempting to kill me with it. She wasn’t fast enough and I managed to disarm her. I took the gun and shot her in the back of her neck. I’m not sure how I managed to shoot her in the back of the neck, considering she was in front of my, but I did. She must have either been kneeling or was way shorter than me. All I know is, there is no way she could survive such spinal injury. I vaguely remember her expressing in not so many words, that I’m an opportunist. Usually I would feel guilty about being described as such, but once again, I did not.

Dream Interpretation

It was the Summer of 2018 when I truly came to respect the purpose of my dreams: to teach me a lesson. This one is no different. I’ve categorized the lessons in the following way: idealism, decision-making, focus and rebirth.

Idealism

It is possible that I killed aspects of myself that do not serve me in my waking life. Those aspects of myself that made me weak, limited even. I’ve come to the realization that subscribing to a perspective has prevented me from participating fully in life. These aspects of myself were fighting to survive. I murdered them last night.

Decision-making

Deciding what I wanted from life is something that I’ve really embraced this year. My dream last night further served to highlight the benefits of deciding to be successful. Even if it means doing so by any means necessary for the sole purpose of self-preservation.

Focus

When one makes the decision to accomplish something, the pursuit of that goal becomes singular.

Rebirth

Last night when I murdered the idealistic, indecisive and unfocused sides of myself, a new version emerged.

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K N F

Bsc Psychology and Sociology | MPhil Sociology | Experience Researcher